My daughter is dating a man from Ohio: a survival guide.

First of all — take a breath. Pour yourself something. Sit down on something comfortable and let's talk this through, because I know this is a lot to process and you deserve support right now.

Your daughter is dating a man from Ohio. He seems perfectly nice. He genuinely appears to mean well. He is, by most measurable standards, a good person. And yet. He put sugar in the cornbread last Thanksgiving. He called it 'good.' He may have called it 'sweet.' He looked at you and asked if you wanted the recipe.

You are not overreacting. What you witnessed was a genuine cultural difference, and nobody prepared you for it, and this guide exists to help you navigate what comes next with your grace, your relationships, and your cornbread recipe all intact.

Chapter One: Understanding Where He Comes From.

Ohio is a Midwestern state, which means several things relevant to your current situation. The food is different — not bad, necessarily, just deeply, fundamentally different in ways that will continue to reveal themselves over time. Cornbread is sweeter. Iced tea comes unsweetened and they may not understand why you are looking at them like that. Biscuits are sometimes made with a mix and this is not considered a moral failing up there.

He did not grow up knowing any better. This is important. The sugar in his cornbread is not a character flaw. It is a regional upbringing. He has genuinely never been taught the difference between cornbread and corn cake, and nobody up there told him that these are different things with different purposes and different contexts and that one of them is a side dish and one of them is a dessert, even if neither of them is labeled as such.

Chapter Two: Things He Will Not Understand (Yet) and How to Handle Them.

Sweet Tea.

He may order unsweet tea at restaurants. He may add sugar packets to regular tea and think this is equivalent. It is not equivalent. The sugar must be added while the tea is hot or it does not dissolve correctly and the whole thing is wrong. You can explain this calmly or you can simply order for both of you and let him discover what tea is supposed to taste like. Either approach is valid.

The Concept of 'Yes Ma'am.'

He probably didn't grow up saying this and it may feel formal or strange to him. Do not require it immediately. Do notice over time whether he is polite and respectful to you and to your daughter and to servers at restaurants, because those things tell you more about his character than any particular phrase does.

Porch Culture.

He may not understand why you spend time on the porch doing nothing in particular. 'Nothing in particular' is the whole point and this will take time to appreciate. Be patient. Once a Midwesterner discovers the front porch in summer they often never fully leave.

The Length of Goodbyes.

A Southern goodbye can take forty-five minutes. He will be ready to leave when you say you're leaving. He will be standing at the door. He will be in the car. You will still be talking. This is correct. This is how it works. He will learn.

The Word 'Coke.'

In the South, Coke is not a brand. Coke is a category. Every carbonated soft drink is a Coke, and if someone wants to know which one, they'll ask — 'what kind?' He is going to call it pop. He has always called it pop. He will say 'can I get you a pop?' and you will feel something shift behind your eye and that is a completely normal response. Do not make a scene. Simply say 'a Coke would be wonderful, thank you' and let him figure out over time that up here in the South we do not say pop. We never say pop. Pop is what your daddy does with a paper bag to scare someone. It is not a beverage category.

What to Actually Pay Attention To.

• •Does he treat your daughter with respect?
• •Does he show up when it matters?
• •Does he make her laugh?
• •Does he try — genuinely try — to understand your family and your culture, even when it's unfamiliar?
• •Does he eat what's put in front of him and say thank you?

These things matter more than the cornbread. I know that's hard to hear. But it's true, and you knew it before you read it here.

Chapter Three: What You Can Actually Do.

Feed Him.

This is your greatest tool and your most generous gift. Feed him real cornbread — the cast iron kind, the way it's supposed to be. Feed him biscuits from scratch. Make him a proper Sunday supper and watch him understand, slowly, what food is supposed to feel like. People who have been fed well by a Southern family are changed by it. This is how you win him over and also how you introduce him to civilization simultaneously.

Tell Him Things Directly.

Midwesterners tend to be more literal communicators than Southerners, which means some of our social nuances will go completely over his head. If you need something from him, say it plainly. If something bothered you, say it kindly and directly. He will appreciate this more than the indirect approach and things will go better for everyone.

Give Him Time.

Cultural adjustment is real and it takes a while. Give him a year of Thanksgivings and Christmases and summer cookouts and Sunday dinners. By the end of it he will be putting hot sauce on things and sitting on the porch at 8pm watching the fireflies like he was born to it. They all do eventually.

"The man from Ohio who married into a Southern family and learned — really learned — what it means to slow down, sit on a porch, say yes ma'am, and let a goodbye take as long as it takes? That man becomes one of us. Give him the chance to become one of us."

A final word about the cornbread.

Make it for him. Your way. The cast iron skillet, the right amount of nothing-sweet-about-it, the way your mother made it and her mother before her. Let him taste it. He may love it immediately. He may love it eventually. He may — and prepare yourself — always prefer the sweet kind.

If he always prefers the sweet kind, that is okay. He is allowed to be wrong about cornbread and still be right for your daughter. These things can both be true. You know this. Your heart just needed a minute to catch up.

Love your daughter. Welcome this man. Feed him well. Correct him gently. And know that the fact that he is sitting at your table at all means your daughter brought him there — and she has your taste in everything that matters, even if his cornbread preferences need some work.

Bless his heart. And mean it kindly.

— The Society Gazette